The Anatomy of Comedy

I once did a standup comedy routine. ONCE! Writing about funny stuff is far easier than performing on stage, even when the studio audience is rife with some of your best friends, including vodka. Not only do you need to keep people engaged and keep them awake, you also need to deliver in such a way that stops them from “what the fuck”ing you to death. If you’ve
ever wondered about the step by step process of attempting a seamless show, wonder no more…

Open with a little bit about yourself:

“Hi. So lovely to see you here.” (even if that’s total bullshit). “I’m Jay, a gay Libra (even though I am dressed like a power lesbian) born in the year of the dragon which makes me a double flamer. Of course, that year of the dragon is 1988, not 1976 (insert laugh track here). I’m a born and raised New Yorker which means I like to say things like (with New Yawk accent) ‘chair,’ ‘water,’ ‘New Yawker,’ and ‘fuck you.’ When I swipe my MetroCard, the reader says ‘Insufficient fare,’ ‘You suck at life,’ and ‘You’re a loser.’”

Once the hysterical laughter comes to a pause, continue with a couple of interests:

“I enjoy playing volleyball, sniffing Windex, writing, and catching up on TV I miss. Or as my mother Eileen might say (smoking cigarette simulation, gravelly voice) ‘my STORIES.’ Unfortunately I’m not one of those advanced people who have DiVo or TVR or whatever else crap all the cool kids have these days, which means I have to put up with all of those pesky commercials. However, some of them aren’t so bad. Right around Halloween, there was an IHOP commercial where the kids are trick-or-treating and the adult puts pancakes and pours syrup into their bags. The kids give the adult the ‘what the fuck ‘look but I think its genius. Pancakes for Halloween is a fat boy’s dream!!! Can you imagine going to school the next day? Suzy Cream Cheese bounces around with her bag of bullshit talking about ‘Oh look at me, I got candy corn, chocolate, and an old man’s phone number.’ I’d be like ‘I got Bisquick, bitch!!!!’ Another commercial I see a lot of goes like this: ‘Of the 4 million people who have Hepatitis C, 3 million people don’t know.’ Then how the fuck do YOU know? Furthermore, who is the douchebag not telling these poor souls? I also get a kick out of those Oil of Old Lady commercials. It’s wonderful that they advertise creams that eliminate laugh lines and various other wrinkles, but where’s the miracle product that reduces the illusion of cocksucking wrinkles?”

Since this was delivered right after New Year’s, a little bit of holiday talk was appropriate:

“So I hope you all had a great holiday season. Did we all deck the halls with boughs of bullshit? Perhaps do some caroling? Did you sing such classics as ‘Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree?’ (singing) ‘Later we’ll have some fucking pie.’ ‘Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire?’ (singing) ‘Jack Frost nipping…at your balls.’ ‘Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas?’
(singing) ‘Here we are, as in olden days…happy golden days…you whore.’ I had the great fortune of spending the holidays with Eileen (smoking, gravelly): ‘What did you get me?’ The holidays are a great time for memory recalling. My personal favorite was when Eileen sent me to the corner store in the summer of 1985 to get her smokes, back in the good ol’ days when no one gave a shit how old you were when you bought cigarettes. The price went up a nickel that weekend so I had to go impart the unfortunate news, which launches Eileen’s most classic rant to date. Eileen (smoking, gravelly): ‘Jesus Fucking Christ! A buck thirty for cigarettes?!?!? This is fucking highway robbery. When I started they were 25 cents a pack. I swear to fucking Christ if these fucking things ever go to two dollars a pack I’m gonna quit. This is bullshit!!!’ Needless to say, 26
years and nine dollars later, she’s still going at it a pack-and-a-half a day.

It is possible to make seamless segue from holidays to politics, even if it a bit of a reach:

“One holiday gift I received is that Michelle Bachman is out of the Republican presidential race. At the Iowa caucuses, she received an embarrassing 2% of the vote. She is a Republican that even other Republicans don’t like. From what I understand, a caucus is a group of 400 supergoons which include Wonder Woman and the Thundercats. This means she actually received 8 votes. I’d love to meet these eight retards and throw Iowa’s gay marriage in their faces.”

As a first timer on the stage, I don’t need a segue to go back to my personal interests:

“I mentioned previously that I enjoy playing volleyball. One perk of this is that we play right around the corner from Gym Bar, which means the sport is merely a formality before the real fun begins. Last season, I was lucky enough to have a mega queen on my team who asked me to hold something while he made a phone call. Being fashion stupid, I asked if the item was a purse or a clutch. He said (in super gay voice): ‘This is a purse. You mean to tell me you don’t know the difference between a purse and a clutch?’ to which I responded: ‘Of course I do. For example, Eileen’s purse had a coin pouch, wadded up Kleenex, a Bic pen that hasn’t worked in eight years, a lighter, cigarettes, and a Stay-Free maxi pad even though she’s been menopausal for 14 years. A CLUTCH is what you use for erotic choking.’”

I needed a final topic as time filler, so I pulled one clear out of my ass:

“Do you ever wonder about the validity and effectiveness of your household items? I have this tea at home that’s supposed to be calming and sleep inducing. This specific brand is called Sleepytime and as you may be able to see (aside: I brought the tea box as a prop), the bear is cute, smiling, sacked out and happy. I tried this tea but to no avail – I didn’t fall asleep at all! Then I read the inside of the box flap: ‘Sleepytime Bear has been foraging for herbs since 1970…’ No wonder the goddamn bear is so sacked out and happy, he’s been stoned for the last 42 years!!! But of course I can’t be mad at the bear because he’s so cute and smiley!!!”

Finally, the closing and the plea for cash:

Thank you all so much. Now I shall pass around this tip bucket because, for once, my bony ass would like to supersize it.”

Happy Super Tuesday, everybody!!!