Saturday, March 23, 2013
YOU'RE FIRED!!!!
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
The Anatomy of Comedy
ever wondered about the step by step process of attempting a seamless show, wonder no more…
Open with a little bit about yourself:
“Hi. So lovely to see you here.” (even if that’s total bullshit). “I’m Jay, a gay Libra (even though I am dressed like a power lesbian) born in the year of the dragon which makes me a double flamer. Of course, that year of the dragon is 1988, not 1976 (insert laugh track here). I’m a born and raised New Yorker which means I like to say things like (with New Yawk accent) ‘chair,’ ‘water,’ ‘New Yawker,’ and ‘fuck you.’ When I swipe my MetroCard, the reader says ‘Insufficient fare,’ ‘You suck at life,’ and ‘You’re a loser.’”
Once the hysterical laughter comes to a pause, continue with a couple of interests:
“I enjoy playing volleyball, sniffing Windex, writing, and catching up on TV I miss. Or as my mother Eileen might say (smoking cigarette simulation, gravelly voice) ‘my STORIES.’ Unfortunately I’m not one of those advanced people who have DiVo or TVR or whatever else crap all the cool kids have these days, which means I have to put up with all of those pesky commercials. However, some of them aren’t so bad. Right around Halloween, there was an IHOP commercial where the kids are trick-or-treating and the adult puts pancakes and pours syrup into their bags. The kids give the adult the ‘what the fuck ‘look but I think its genius. Pancakes for Halloween is a fat boy’s dream!!! Can you imagine going to school the next day? Suzy Cream Cheese bounces around with her bag of bullshit talking about ‘Oh look at me, I got candy corn, chocolate, and an old man’s phone number.’ I’d be like ‘I got Bisquick, bitch!!!!’ Another commercial I see a lot of goes like this: ‘Of the 4 million people who have Hepatitis C, 3 million people don’t know.’ Then how the fuck do YOU know? Furthermore, who is the douchebag not telling these poor souls? I also get a kick out of those Oil of Old Lady commercials. It’s wonderful that they advertise creams that eliminate laugh lines and various other wrinkles, but where’s the miracle product that reduces the illusion of cocksucking wrinkles?”
Since this was delivered right after New Year’s, a little bit of holiday talk was appropriate:
“So I hope you all had a great holiday season. Did we all deck the halls with boughs of bullshit? Perhaps do some caroling? Did you sing such classics as ‘Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree?’ (singing) ‘Later we’ll have some fucking pie.’ ‘Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire?’ (singing) ‘Jack Frost nipping…at your balls.’ ‘Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas?’
(singing) ‘Here we are, as in olden days…happy golden days…you whore.’ I had the great fortune of spending the holidays with Eileen (smoking, gravelly): ‘What did you get me?’ The holidays are a great time for memory recalling. My personal favorite was when Eileen sent me to the corner store in the summer of 1985 to get her smokes, back in the good ol’ days when no one gave a shit how old you were when you bought cigarettes. The price went up a nickel that weekend so I had to go impart the unfortunate news, which launches Eileen’s most classic rant to date. Eileen (smoking, gravelly): ‘Jesus Fucking Christ! A buck thirty for cigarettes?!?!? This is fucking highway robbery. When I started they were 25 cents a pack. I swear to fucking Christ if these fucking things ever go to two dollars a pack I’m gonna quit. This is bullshit!!!’ Needless to say, 26
years and nine dollars later, she’s still going at it a pack-and-a-half a day.
It is possible to make seamless segue from holidays to politics, even if it a bit of a reach:
“One holiday gift I received is that Michelle Bachman is out of the Republican presidential race. At the Iowa caucuses, she received an embarrassing 2% of the vote. She is a Republican that even other Republicans don’t like. From what I understand, a caucus is a group of 400 supergoons which include Wonder Woman and the Thundercats. This means she actually received 8 votes. I’d love to meet these eight retards and throw Iowa’s gay marriage in their faces.”
As a first timer on the stage, I don’t need a segue to go back to my personal interests:
“I mentioned previously that I enjoy playing volleyball. One perk of this is that we play right around the corner from Gym Bar, which means the sport is merely a formality before the real fun begins. Last season, I was lucky enough to have a mega queen on my team who asked me to hold something while he made a phone call. Being fashion stupid, I asked if the item was a purse or a clutch. He said (in super gay voice): ‘This is a purse. You mean to tell me you don’t know the difference between a purse and a clutch?’ to which I responded: ‘Of course I do. For example, Eileen’s purse had a coin pouch, wadded up Kleenex, a Bic pen that hasn’t worked in eight years, a lighter, cigarettes, and a Stay-Free maxi pad even though she’s been menopausal for 14 years. A CLUTCH is what you use for erotic choking.’”
I needed a final topic as time filler, so I pulled one clear out of my ass:
“Do you ever wonder about the validity and effectiveness of your household items? I have this tea at home that’s supposed to be calming and sleep inducing. This specific brand is called Sleepytime and as you may be able to see (aside: I brought the tea box as a prop), the bear is cute, smiling, sacked out and happy. I tried this tea but to no avail – I didn’t fall asleep at all! Then I read the inside of the box flap: ‘Sleepytime Bear has been foraging for herbs since 1970…’ No wonder the goddamn bear is so sacked out and happy, he’s been stoned for the last 42 years!!! But of course I can’t be mad at the bear because he’s so cute and smiley!!!”
Finally, the closing and the plea for cash:
Thank you all so much. Now I shall pass around this tip bucket because, for once, my bony ass would like to supersize it.”
Happy Super Tuesday, everybody!!!
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
The 84th Annual Nip and Leg Show
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
You Might Suck at Life If...
Perhaps the most pervasive example of rampant moronity is on reality television. As we all know, reality TV is the most insipid and inane form of entertainment available. And I’m talking housewives, Kardashians and Dance Moms low. I always thought a housewife cooked, cleaned, maybe worked outside the home while still struggling to raise a family. I also always
thought fame was achieved through hard work and determination. Not these days. The spotlight is cast on you if you’re lucky enough to have a lucrative last name or you have some uncanny ability to toss around glitzy drama. Sorry people, I cannot be on board with the whole “rich white people with problems” motif. These “stars” are so out of touch with ACTUAL reality that they suck at life. Even suckier, it’s splayed out for a national audience to see. SUCKAGE!
EXTREME CHAMPOINSHIP SUCK ALERT!!! If you “star” in a reality series that does not go beyond five episodes, it’s obvious you have no place on television.
A small step above the aforementioned mirth is the reality competition shows. I, for one, actually really enjoy “Dancing With the Stars.” It’s interesting to see some old familiar names and faces. But we all know who infiltrates these programs – the C-list. If you’re on a show like this or “Celebrity Apprentice” and you’re fired in Week 1, you suck at life.
If you are a commentator on World’s Dumbest Criminals, you’ve achieved a new level of suck that not even Richard Hatch has achieved. Tonya Harding? Come on!!! You’re not even a comedian and you’re no funnier on this show. Just…SUCK!!!!
A brief list of people who also suck at life include cell phone driver talkers, slow walking (or completely stopped) sidewalk hoggers, entrance blocking assholes, and George W. Bush.
There is a special place in suck hell for stroller parents. You SSSSUUUUCCCCKKKK with a capital SSSSUUUUCCCCKKKK!!!! I’m not talking about the two who exist that are actually considerate of the world around them. I’m talking about the “world owes me a favor” type. You are not the Queen of Sheba just because you decide to strap your “special bundle” of screaming flesh into a sidewalk stealing tank. Entire sections of town should not be blocked off
when your baby needs a new designer diaper. Restaurant staff should not have to ask their customers to accommodate your jet liner baby carrier because you want to overtake a nine-person table with just you and your sorry sack of germ spewing spawn. Put your thing in one of those baby carrying knapsacks and treat it like the accessory that it is.
I think it’s now time for the Real Housewives…
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Ahead and Behind of the Times
scrawling, I pride myself on being part of the social continuum. Obviously,
however, I’m a bit behind the times. Evidently, reading “For a mediocre time,
call Jay” on a wall (I mean ACTUAL wall, not Facebook wall) is old school.
These days, it’s more like “For a mediocre time, send a tweet to @JJayBooty.”
Also, to be “with it,” I need to link Twitter to Facebook to Klout to YouTube
to Google + to my VCR to my walkman to my Atari. I can barely link one keychain
to the next. This process may take a while.
If you’re an active Twitter user, where the character limit
is 140, you’ve probably stopped reading by now. This is already too long, yes? If
this were posted on Facebook, you may have read a few words, clicked “Like,”
and moved on with your day. Flattering as that definitely is, do read on…
I hearken from a day when we wrote phone numbers on napkins,
went online using rotary dial, and tablets came in Excedrin bottles. We’ve gone
from the “me” generation of the 80s to the “i” (intentionally lowercase so as
not to piss off Apple) generation of today. Same idea, different pronoun. I do
not own an iPad, but my iTampon serves me just as well.
In the golden days of yesteryear, whoever had the most toys
was the most popular. Nowadays, whoever has the most followers, likes and trendings
is the person to be. I avoided using the term “fans.” Seems passé. For example,
Justin Beiber (I don’t give a flying crap if I spelled that correctly) has 212
quabillion followers and a Klout score of a perfect 100. All of these Beaver
Hunters put him on top of the world, and it has to be due to YouTube seeing as
MTV hasn’t played a music video since “Vogue.” Much like when you see a twit of
#JETS and nothing else, you may be asking at this juncture, “WHAT’S THE #$%^ING
POINT?!?!?!” Achieving fame and popularity is far less of a process than it
used to be. The spotlight is but a mere few clicks away (smoking toddler,
anyone?) and you no longer have to work as hard as William Hung on American
Idol to achieve notoriety. Having a sex “tape” (“tape” in quotes because
really, who has “One Night in Paris” on VHS?) can’t hurt either.
Sex “tapes” can actually be beneficial, especially if you
are some form of female benefactress. The days of “men are studs, women are
sluts” are gone, and thankfully so. Today, if a man uses sex to get ahead, he
is a womanizer, polygamist, misogynist, asshole, etc., but if a woman does the
very same, not only is the “tape” released but celebrated and rewarded with a
reality series.
I hope you have enjoyed this “then to now” retrospective. Now
if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to turn off my phone, go for a walk, and come
back and watch The Golden Girls. On beta.
Tuesday, January 1, 2008
Rivered on Riley Road
What would a holiday gathering be without family, booze, illegal narcotics, bratty children, shitty gifts, NRA members, and poker? It would be like sitting on the toilet with nothing to read…mind numbing, nauseating, depressing. Mama sure did do her darnedest to make sure the suicide rate from this year’s jamboree plunged from last year’s.
“Here’s your fucking gift!” she exclaimed to me the second I walked through the door, replete with long cigarette, accompanying voice, and a hug that made me wish a certain San Francisco tigress were still alive.
“Oh GAWD ma, it’s awful!! Where’s the gift receipt?”
“Eff you. You didn’t even open it yet.”
“Ok ok you got me!” I muttered as I tried to maneuver through her maximum security wrapping. If only our nation were this locked down…
“Holy SHIT!” I screamed orgasmically.
“Goddamm it Jason do not write the word ‘orgasmically’ in front of the children,” says mother in that once a year authoritative tone. “Show everyone what the best mother in the world got you.”
“Gramma you’re so lame. I know what sperm is,” my little smart ass 8 year old nephew interjects. What an awful child. I love him.
“What a little shit! Where’d you get that kind of language?” demanded mama. Before he could answer with something like “I learned it by watching YOU, Gramma,” I belted, “COPAGS!!!!!!!!”
“Mother…this is like…the best gift ever! What happened to your 30 year long streak of caring just enough to give the second best?” I asked while the foam around my mouth did not yet make speaking unmanageable.
“Eh, fuck it. I won’t be around next year, and I had $19.95 plus shipping and handling to spare. I wanted to live long enough to see my least favorite child enjoy at least one holiday,” she answered. Ah, yes, the ever famous promise of death I’ve been hearing since 1983 when my great-grandmother had that line trademarked…
“Well crap then let’s get a game going.”
“Ah we can’t yet, there’s cooking, the kids, my chain smoking…”
“Yea yea yea bla bla bla woman gather up the gambling gurus and haul your aging caboose to the table! Child services can watch the kids for a few hours!” I proclaimed impatiently as I had quickly arranged 8 really neato chip stacks and just as many beer bottles. “Come on! Let’s move! $20 No-Limit freezeout. If you’re a child, watch Dora or porn or something!”
It was picturesque…real cards, real chips, real beers, real shitty players. Cards were in the air. Where was ESPN when we needed them? I was even willing to drink
Hand number one using the best “fucking gift” ever was a lousy Q-3 offsuit. What a bunch of crap. Each hand got progressively worse. Looking at the first Q on several occasions offered promise, but quickly proved a tease when it was accompanied by garbage. I haven’t seen so many offsuit queens since the last time I was in
“What the hell, Jason?” mother asks as she is hooking up her nicotine IV. “You wanted to play this and you haven’t seen a flop yet. Look at all these people here exchanging chips and you’re sitting there like a log!”
And then, it happened. The ever cliché fireworks went off…BINGO…BANGO…BONGO! Oh…shit…that was just the scumbag next door shooting holiday dinner. As usual, I was just dealt another Q-5 offsuit. Blah!
With mother continually pestering me to play a hand, I couldn’t help but think “star/asterisk/pound sign/at symbol/squiggly little circle thinger/carat/ampersand/tic tac toe board/BIFF/POW/KABLAM!” Oh, and I thought “fuck you” as well. But, the blinds were on the rise so it was indeed time to join the pokerie. After establishing such a tight table image, it was time to bluff, bitchslap, and bullshit my way to the money. It was a good time as I started raking in a few of the pots with absolute douchebaggery in my hand. I even showed two of the deceptions, much to the dismay of people silly enough to believe me. Then, I retightened to gain some action with the best hands. It’s Poker 101, but I’ll call it “a secret weapon.” Mama was on the rails because she sucked, along with a few others, so we now have the final three. The blinds are chugging along, and chips are merely being shuffled among the three of us until someone who wasn’t me hit a miracle flop against someone who was me. I called an all-in preflop raise with A-J against someone holding J-7. “Beautiful. This shit is mine. Money in the bank,” I thought until the flop came 7-7-bullshit! I couldn’t believe my eyes as my poker future dimmed. The turn and river were as inconsequential as a politician’s promise and I was pummeled into the poker pavement. Moral of story? The best hand doesn’t always win. But there is no shame in that as long as you outlast your mother.
Monday, April 2, 2007
Poker advice for the masses
Hi y’all. I’m Jimbo “The Drunken” Trucker, answering your poker questions from my trailer park in
The WPT hole cam brought to you by Bud Light? MALARKY! You’ll see it on TV? Who needs that? All you need is one of these here clippings to guide you to superstardom.
POCKET ACES SHOW NO MERCY
Dear Jimbo,
I played a sit-and-go in which somebody in early position moved all-in. They had me outchipped, but I had pocket aces so of course it was an easy call. I lost to their suited 9 10 and I was railed. How can I avoid this in the future?
- Susie,
Dear Susie,
Congratulations! You got your hands on something Congress couldn’t – the Weapons of Mass Destruction. Unfortunately, however, when the cards were revealed, you had to realize it was the worst time to call as suited connectors are statistically best poised to crack those aces, and that’s exactly what happened. Pocket aces are horrible in other scenarios as well. During last year’s EPT in
TEACH ME HOW TO READ
Dear Jimbo,
I would like to think I am a decent poker player, but I am positive my reading skills need to be better. I am fairly certain I have been moved of the “better hand” on several occasions. How can I guard against this?
- Bill,
Dear Bill,
Drink heavily – and OFTEN! Many poker gurus would advise against this as booze tends to impair judgment and ability, but that horse poo doesn’t get my buy-in. Clearly, there are alcoholic explanations for what we see on TV. Take, for example, WPT Ladies Night IV. The final two competitors, JJ Liu and Kelly Griggs, were in heads-up play for the title. JJ started off with a pocket K-7, dominating Kelly’s Q-7. The flop came J-7-6, giving both ladies middle pair. When the turn came an inconsequential 8, Kelly made what looked like a sensible check and JJ made a move, which elicited an almost immediate all-in raise from Kelly. JJ took a step back, gulped from her flask, and wondered what the hell was going on. Kelly was very evidently on her own generous dose of moonshine as she started chanting “this is my destiny” over and over to the point of nausea. JJ finally tired of this spew and made the amazing call, winning the final hand and the tournament. Come to find out later on, JJ would not have made that call without the help of her friend and mine, Skyy Vodka. That elixir provided the insight and mentality she needed to overcome that all-in move and make the correct read. In the end, Kelly could not get JJ off the better hand. You can apply this to our own game as well. It’s a technique I’ve employed for years - Drink and Think. The next time you get a pocket of Q-Q, let that blurred vision work to your advantage, and before you know it, WOW, you suddenly have a pocket of Q-Q-Q! AMAZING! The key here is not to repeat stupid lines – you certainly do not want to give away any information as to the strength of your hand. Simply sit stoically and pensively, and patiently wait for the flop. When you see it come Q-6-4, look very intently at the board then back at your hand, darting your eyes back and forth at mind-boggling speeds. The proverbial fireworks go off in your head as you realize you hit the dream flop – FIVE QUEENS!!! Your opponents will bet into you, thinking you have crap, because the massively pained expression on your face is indicating weakness. This is the perfect time to come over the top and let your opponents know that you’re not the fish [at least in poker] that they think you are. The Drink and Think method is particularly useful because you no longer have to waste time and effort reading your competitors. The other players will be spending their time misreading YOU, and you can successfully translate their poor reads into winning hands and dollars.
Jimbo’s random thought of the day: Friends don’t let friends play 7-2 offsuit. The next time you see that suspicious hand, report it to the authorities immediately!