YOU'RE FIRED!!!!

YOU’RE FIRED!!!!

Here at the Mental Mailbox, we care deeply about all of the pretty things that make our world go round: Warm sunshine, kitties playing with yarn, puppies scampering in the gra…oh fuck that, we’re handing out pink slips and frankly, they’re flying faster than the Kris Humphries-Kardashian divorce papers!!! Read on for a list of life ruiners being given the can.

Who’s toast: Mother Nature.

What you’ve contributed: This page intentionally left blank.

Why you’re fired: The calendar has changed yet you continue to carry on with your insubordinate ways and refuse to catch up to current times. For example, the cloud is where you store all of your iShit, it’s no longer defined as an obstruction to sunshine. Lower than average temperatures equals lower than average likelihood you’ll be in your position any longer. When your BFF Al Gore asks why you’re on the unemployment line (preferably in a state OTHER than New York), you can highlight your failures of the past 4 months. You are relieved of your duties and hereby replaced by global warming.

And the ax goes to: Punxsutawney Phucking Phil.

You’ve given us: False rumours, false predictions and false eyelashes. Those can NOT be real.

Why the heave-ho: It’s pretty evident – you predicted an early spring and you fucked up royally. You’re wanted for fraud up and down the Northeast Corridor and beyond. I spoke with [Manhattan District Attorney] Cy Vance and personally asked him to prosecute you to death. He told me words I can’t pri…oh…wait…I CAN print them here. He said, “Go fuck yourself with a totem pole. That little bastard is out of my jurisdiction and my office has real crime to fight like jaywalkers and opposite side parking violators.” You got lucky on that subpoena, shithead, but you know what has a spring? The guillotine, and that’s where you’re going when you’re caught, you rat prick!!!

Next on the chopping block: Mercury Retrograde.

Highlights: Increased idiocy, the stymying of life’s simplest tasks, and the creation of the term “retrofucked.”

You’re out because: With your high orbital speeds and proximity to the sun, you happen WAY too frequently. You cause delays in ALL forms of planning, frustrate and frazzle the FUCK out of people, and create a world where stupidity is not only the norm, it’s widely expected and accepted. How whack are you? Kim Kardashian married a WHITE MAN during the August 2011 retrograde!!! A WHITE MAN!!!!! We all know how that ended. Mercury certainly skipped that household whilst handing out memos. Also, retrotransit is not a good time to make important decisions, so plan not to breathe during this time. Sorry, planet, we kinda need to breathe and for that reason, amongst many others, you can tell your story walking…right to the temp office.

Fired straight to hell: The Harlem Shake.

You’ve provided: A viral sensation much in the same way gonorrhea does.

You suck because: ACTUAL Harlem is PISSED!!! Tourette’s patients are seriously offended. Honestly, if I don’t have a vodka martini STAT, I’m going to HAVE the Harlem Shakes. Not since backwards attempts to keep segregation alive have bands of white people fucked up so hardcore. There’s no way in bloody blazes Scooby Doo would appear in versions of this shlock if he could afford to keep up his cocaine habit on his cartoon royalties. Thank Christ the average attention span these days is nil - this retarded movement is already SO five minutes ago. This minute’s “flashy” DJ, Caucasians, and fluffy puppets cannot save this shebang from employment cremation. No, I would NOT like fries with this shake.

Sacked: The increasing assault on the English language.

Accomplishments: Abbreviating everything to the point of easy understanding. By easy understanding, I mean massive stupidity.

Why you’re terminated: Yesteryear, it was a cutesy idea to use LOL and OMG to abbreviate our instant messages on AOL and IRC. These days, it’s gotten so ridiculous – it’s to the point where, fifteen years from now, my young nephews won’t even know the origins of LOL and OMG when they’re discussing classic film noir like “Ice Age 6” with their cellmates. I recently read a comment on a thread that said “ADORBS.” I very audibly said, “YOU DICK!” I’ve also seen NOM (and forms of) entirely too frequently. Are you a fucking Fraggle?!?!?!? Habla Englais!!!! Oh, and TOTES is a comfortable shoe brand. Final recommendation: When asked about the huge gap in your resume, avoid an answer like, “Because it was totes adorbs nom ridic!!!”