Poker advice for the masses

Hi y’all. I’m Jimbo “The Drunken” Trucker, answering your poker questions from my trailer park in Suffern, NY. I can’t ever seem to get into a WSOP event because I can’t pass a Breathalyzer test [if anyone has a way around that, let me know], so I’ve decided to dedicate my time to YOU, the aspiring poker champions of the world.

The WPT hole cam brought to you by Bud Light? MALARKY! You’ll see it on TV? Who needs that? All you need is one of these here clippings to guide you to superstardom.

POCKET ACES SHOW NO MERCY

Dear Jimbo,

I played a sit-and-go in which somebody in early position moved all-in. They had me outchipped, but I had pocket aces so of course it was an easy call. I lost to their suited 9 10 and I was railed. How can I avoid this in the future?

- Susie, Brooklyn

Dear Susie,

Congratulations! You got your hands on something Congress couldn’t – the Weapons of Mass Destruction. Unfortunately, however, when the cards were revealed, you had to realize it was the worst time to call as suited connectors are statistically best poised to crack those aces, and that’s exactly what happened. Pocket aces are horrible in other scenarios as well. During last year’s EPT in Monte Carlo, Isabelle “No Mercy” Mercier had pocket aces wiped away by Ross Boatman’s pocket 9s. He flopped a set of 9s, and the board tripped 6s in the end, giving him 9s full of 6s over Isabelle’s 6s full of those dreaded pocket rockets. They blew up right in her face and the result was pain, heartache, humiliation, and tilt. Of course, all these chips are in Euro, so that dismay was multiplied by the conversion rate [Today, the Euro is worth $1.31 to the American dollar – OUCH!]. Later on she would once again have those very aces done away with by pocket kings, making her the ultra short stack, and making this lesson horrifically clear – if you are dealt American Airlines, switch to US Air. Muck those aces IMMEDIATELY, if not sooner. In order to avert the sting of being felted, start treating A-A as if it’s 8-3 offsuit. Eliminate “the best starting hand in poker” from your repertoire, and quit giving in to the poker sensationalism created by the Chad Normans and the Vince van Pattens of the world. They tout these “monster” hands only to make for good TV. You can overcome this media manipulation, and the next time you come across this miserable mire, you’ll know better.

TEACH ME HOW TO READ

Dear Jimbo,

I would like to think I am a decent poker player, but I am positive my reading skills need to be better. I am fairly certain I have been moved of the “better hand” on several occasions. How can I guard against this?

- Bill, Milwaukee

Dear Bill,

Drink heavily – and OFTEN! Many poker gurus would advise against this as booze tends to impair judgment and ability, but that horse poo doesn’t get my buy-in. Clearly, there are alcoholic explanations for what we see on TV. Take, for example, WPT Ladies Night IV. The final two competitors, JJ Liu and Kelly Griggs, were in heads-up play for the title. JJ started off with a pocket K-7, dominating Kelly’s Q-7. The flop came J-7-6, giving both ladies middle pair. When the turn came an inconsequential 8, Kelly made what looked like a sensible check and JJ made a move, which elicited an almost immediate all-in raise from Kelly. JJ took a step back, gulped from her flask, and wondered what the hell was going on. Kelly was very evidently on her own generous dose of moonshine as she started chanting “this is my destiny” over and over to the point of nausea. JJ finally tired of this spew and made the amazing call, winning the final hand and the tournament. Come to find out later on, JJ would not have made that call without the help of her friend and mine, Skyy Vodka. That elixir provided the insight and mentality she needed to overcome that all-in move and make the correct read. In the end, Kelly could not get JJ off the better hand. You can apply this to our own game as well. It’s a technique I’ve employed for years - Drink and Think. The next time you get a pocket of Q-Q, let that blurred vision work to your advantage, and before you know it, WOW, you suddenly have a pocket of Q-Q-Q! AMAZING! The key here is not to repeat stupid lines – you certainly do not want to give away any information as to the strength of your hand. Simply sit stoically and pensively, and patiently wait for the flop. When you see it come Q-6-4, look very intently at the board then back at your hand, darting your eyes back and forth at mind-boggling speeds. The proverbial fireworks go off in your head as you realize you hit the dream flop – FIVE QUEENS!!! Your opponents will bet into you, thinking you have crap, because the massively pained expression on your face is indicating weakness. This is the perfect time to come over the top and let your opponents know that you’re not the fish [at least in poker] that they think you are. The Drink and Think method is particularly useful because you no longer have to waste time and effort reading your competitors. The other players will be spending their time misreading YOU, and you can successfully translate their poor reads into winning hands and dollars.

Jimbo’s random thought of the day: Friends don’t let friends play 7-2 offsuit. The next time you see that suspicious hand, report it to the authorities immediately!