Poker Gone Wild

Many years ago, poker was a big term in middle America, having much to do with cows, farmland, ranching, and other boring shit that real people have no interest in. Today, poker has taken on a meaning that has transcended the ma-and-pa nickel and dime crap – it means celebrity, large sums of money, fabulous casinos, TV specials, the fiber that holds this great nation together. Every week, we can tune ourselves into nobodies donning track suits becoming overnight millionaires. The Ace of Spades is no longer an annual gardening award, and the World Series of Poker no longer features the most beautifully trussed cattle.

This sports sensation we call poker inspired me to think, “Where HAVE all the cowboys gone?” The obvious answer would be in Texas, the birthplace of hold-em, not to mention many Bessies. Once there, I knew I had to find only the best the area had to offer, so I Googled “Where the bloody hell can I possibly find a great poker who knows about poker?” The very first search result led to me the famous Elmer Rhodes of Laredo, multi-time Best in Barn winner and three-time World Poker Tour watcher. I came face to face with fame and fertilizer and I was floored. When I recovered, I was lucky enough to remember that I had come here to perform the Texas Inquisition, and this gracious gentleman was happy to oblige me.

What has poker meant to you, then and now?

Why, I remember the days when poison ivy was a plant and being a poker was an honorable occupation passed down from generation to generation. Back then, hard work was paid off and this gambling riff-raff was the work of the devil. My pa was the best back in his day at handling this type of rugged work – managing a farm is no easy task ya know – in fact, he was the equivalent of what I believe you east coast city type folk would call “miss thing.” Nowadays, with Hollywood glamorizing everything, the respect of the occupation has gone to pot and all these youngins run around with no real career path ‘cept for that there gambling.

You’ve watched the World Poker Tour a few times. What was going through your mind as millions of dollars exchanged hands on TV?

Exactly that this is the type of thing that only happens on TV and not real life. I mean, the wads of cash, those biker bimbos, kids too young to drink even a can of pop becoming drunk with instant recognition, I don’t know what this world is coming to. Sure, I enjoy the game with my buddies every here and there, but I sure as hell don’t have my wife dressing in skirts up to her hoo-ha presenting the boys with beer. I asked my buddy Jimbo – he works there at that bank and loan place – and he told me them armored guards don’t even carry that kind of loot, and it’s a BANK! All that glamour I see on TV is one of them fantasies that just don’t occur in these parts.

Who do you admire in the game of poker?

I sure like that Doyle guy. He’s got that ten-gallon hat and he never forgot where he came from. Granted, he chose a wimpy profession, but ya gotta admire the way he whoops them little kids’ asses at the poker table. He’s got that boy Todd, now he’s a tool, but papa is about the classiest act going on TV. I heard he’s from Texas too. I reckon he made that up for the heartland appeal, but it’s real endearing to see someone play for the love of the game and not the lust of those cash-carrying hookers. I also like that Daniel kid. Everyone says he’s just about the prettiest thing on earth, but I try to ignore all them smoke and mirrors and take a good look at the awesome mentality he brings to the game. This is real important to me because when I become old and can’t move around no more, I’m gonna tell the news station I’m his grampa, but he’ll probably just say he’s one of them Canucks from them outer lands.

You seem to rail against the scantily clad lady element. What’s so wrong with that?

It just goes to show you that anybody can be on TV. Before you know it, there will be all kinds of leagues and associations – I used to be a harlot but now I can play world-class poker – now I ain’t against none of that women’s lib business, they sure enough have their right to choose, eh, I don’t know. Granted, I don’t like to turn away from a pretty lady, unless the ol’ ball-and-chain is around of course, but I think dressing down to your panties in front of the studio audience is just plain cheap. Those poor girls can’t possibly have a mama who’s watching and saying “Look Ethel, there goes my Kimberly – who KNEW that I could have a little baby girl who could grow up to be a high-class call girl?”

What do you think the future of poker is going to be?

We’ve gone from cow chips to poker chips, who knows what will happen in the next 10 years? The way things are going, I’m going to have to either get that dirty channel or try to see through them squiggly lines just to watch some fellas play cards. The future sure as hell ain’t gonna feature anyone herding cattle. Them days are long past gone. It’s all gonna be smut and sex and strippers and cards ain’t even gonna be part of the game no more.