Ahead and Behind of the Times

As the subject of many a limerick and bar bathroom
scrawling, I pride myself on being part of the social continuum. Obviously,
however, I’m a bit behind the times. Evidently, reading “For a mediocre time,
call Jay” on a wall (I mean ACTUAL wall, not Facebook wall) is old school.
These days, it’s more like “For a mediocre time, send a tweet to @JJayBooty.”
Also, to be “with it,” I need to link Twitter to Facebook to Klout to YouTube
to Google + to my VCR to my walkman to my Atari. I can barely link one keychain
to the next. This process may take a while.

If you’re an active Twitter user, where the character limit
is 140, you’ve probably stopped reading by now. This is already too long, yes? If
this were posted on Facebook, you may have read a few words, clicked “Like,”
and moved on with your day. Flattering as that definitely is, do read on…

I hearken from a day when we wrote phone numbers on napkins,
went online using rotary dial, and tablets came in Excedrin bottles. We’ve gone
from the “me” generation of the 80s to the “i” (intentionally lowercase so as
not to piss off Apple) generation of today. Same idea, different pronoun. I do
not own an iPad, but my iTampon serves me just as well.

In the golden days of yesteryear, whoever had the most toys
was the most popular. Nowadays, whoever has the most followers, likes and trendings
is the person to be. I avoided using the term “fans.” Seems passé. For example,
Justin Beiber (I don’t give a flying crap if I spelled that correctly) has 212
quabillion followers and a Klout score of a perfect 100. All of these Beaver
Hunters put him on top of the world, and it has to be due to YouTube seeing as
MTV hasn’t played a music video since “Vogue.” Much like when you see a twit of
#JETS and nothing else, you may be asking at this juncture, “WHAT’S THE #$%^ING
POINT?!?!?!” Achieving fame and popularity is far less of a process than it
used to be. The spotlight is but a mere few clicks away (smoking toddler,
anyone?) and you no longer have to work as hard as William Hung on American
Idol to achieve notoriety. Having a sex “tape” (“tape” in quotes because
really, who has “One Night in Paris” on VHS?) can’t hurt either.

Sex “tapes” can actually be beneficial, especially if you
are some form of female benefactress. The days of “men are studs, women are
sluts” are gone, and thankfully so. Today, if a man uses sex to get ahead, he
is a womanizer, polygamist, misogynist, asshole, etc., but if a woman does the
very same, not only is the “tape” released but celebrated and rewarded with a
reality series.

I hope you have enjoyed this “then to now” retrospective. Now
if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to turn off my phone, go for a walk, and come
back and watch The Golden Girls. On beta.