Category: Best Picture
Winner: The Artist
Why Moneyball lost: The Natural and Field of Dreams didn't win either. Baseball + Oscar = NO! ESPN has an awards show for sports related hoopla. Try there.
Category: Best Actress
Winner: Meryl Streep as The Iron Lady in the Iron Lady
Why Rooney Mara lost: The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo was BUFUGLY! I mean, slap yo mama BUFUGLY! God don't like no BUFUGLY, and neither does the Academy!
Category: Best Actor
Winner: Jean Dujardin as the Artist in the Artist
Why Gary Oldman lost: Tinker Tailor bla bla bla is just too long a title. Presenters have a limited amount of time to be on stage and announce the victor. By the time "Gary Oldman for Tinker Tailor Tongue Twister" is voiced, the segment is over. It's not economical time use for a show that is already six hours long.
Why Demian Bichir lost: Nobody knew he was one of the nominees.
Category: Best Supporting Actress
Winner: Octavia Spencer as The Help in The Help
Why Janet McTeer lost: Hilary Swank already did the whole woman-man-Academy Award thing for Boys Don't Cry. Fret not, however - Charlotte Bronte didn't win any awards either for pretending to be a man as part of her aspiring novelist schtick.
Category: Best Supporting Actor
Winner: Christopher Plummer as The Gay in Beginners
Why Jonah Hill lost: Cher used to be laughed off screen as well when trying to be taken seriously as an actress. She did give those laughers the ultimate middle finger when she "struck" it big in Moonstruck. Someday, your time will come. Just not anytime soon.
Category: Best Foreign Language Film
Winner: A Separation (Iran) in Persian
Why The Artist Lost: There was no language, foreign or otherwise. Besides, it wasn't nominated in this category.
Category: Best Makeup
Winner: The Iron Lady
Why Albert Nobbs lost: It obviously takes far more effort to make a man look like Margaret Thatcher than it does to make Glenn Close look like a man. Frankly, I figured neither would be that much of a stretch.
Category: Best Costume Design
Winner: The Artist
Why Anonymous lost: If you're anonymous, nobody knows to vote for you.
Why Jane Eyre lost: The costumes are as boring as the novel.
In the interest of honest and fair reporting, I have only given the synopses of REAL categories. Everybody knows the other bullshit categories no one pays attention to are only good fun for Academy Award pools. I think it's high time I rented Silkwood...
3 comments:
This is why I don't bother watching these awards shows. They either have a movie that only 5 people have seen win Best Picture or give it out via sympathy vote. Fuck the Academy.
Most excellent job yet again, sweetheart...congrats!!! xoxoxo Sammy
you're amazing. glad to see you back in the social commentary world. it desperately needs you.
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