Because Hollywood sex is passe...

We at the Mental Mailbox strive to bring you the cutting edge in absolute crap. So in order to achieve this end, the ants took me to the streets as we decided to ask the general public the burning question, "What is LEAST important to YOU?" You'll fall asleep reading this...

A homeless man: "Homelessness and poverty."

Jennifer Lopez: "My bulbous arse."

Michael Jackson: "The ongoing debate on whether Latoya or I is whiter."

A deadbeat dad: "Supporting the ol’ lady and the kids I left to build a life with my cows on upstate farmland."

Ants: "The Mental Mailbox is rather full of shit, provides absolutely no intellectual fiber, and usually just lies there like a bored hooker for a week or two."

As you can see, there is a great lot from which to draw. Everything from the effectiveness of removing unwanted pubic hair with adhesive tape to that inexplicable rash neighboring your nether-regions...there is always something needless to bring to light. This week, the ants have decided that since sex is irrelevant to me, it is unimportant to you as well.

A great deal of my readership of 8 may be asking, "But JustAFag, what are you THINKING?!?!?!?! ALL fags have sex at the forefront of their minds!!!!!!!" Oh trust me, this one does also, just watch how well I handle it....

Sex is irrelevant first of all because it is clearly overrated. Hollywood, the world's leading authority in knowing what is good for society as a whole, features flailing body parts in a Motion Du Soliet intended to arouse the senses. This perpetuates the ideals of being beautiful, fit, beautiful, and fit....not to mention paper thin. Hollywood can safely bet that if you do not look like Brad Pitt or Paris Hilton, you most likely are not having sex for a very long time. Sex needs to happen in nearly every film [Disney is next], and without it, the flick has no plot. Big movie makers bring their audiences to cathartic orgasm whilst telling them, "Hey, you're not good enough to get any of THIS so just live with it." Those who fit into the standards of beauty are content with these maxims whilst millions around the world undergo the self-artistic ritual of the eating disorder. Do we REALLY need to be the picture of the bleach-blanket-bimbo or the buff bittermale to get decent action? Most certainly...there is no sex unless we are the stars of posters and porn magazines. My take on all this?!?! BITCH PLEASE!!!! When we cut the crap and get right down to it, there is always someone who is more unfortunate than myself who is going to get the most action...there is always someone who, no matter how hot they are, we are sick of their shit...so does sex make the world go 'round? Not at all, besides, it produces demon spawn.

Sex is irrelevant because it has become such a staple in our society that it is inescapable, and its inevitability has created a certain apathy that makes hurling a far more attractive alternative. Imagine being a single gay male trying to find a decent friend every now and then. On VERY rare occasion [Mercury you BETTER be reading this!], an all-too-good-to-be-true genuine companion who is into mind and soul arises. However, since all too often intellect [like this column] is the pinnacle of irrelevance, a valid exchange of "Well, how was your day?" becomes a distant memory, replaced by "So what if you're half my age, I wanna fuck!" Anyone making the connection that Hollywood has influenced commonfolk, you're doing good so far.

However, sex is most irrelevant because it happens in families in West Virgina and upstate Georgia. I understand that it provides great fodder for Saturday Night Live skits and valid basis on which to make fun of those "not like ourselves," which are wonderful times, but would you hire an inbred 3-armed-teenager whose ideal Saturday night is strip poker with Uncle Pat? I don't know about you, but I don't see that as inspirational leadership for the world's most pressing issues.

So the point is crystal clear here. Sex is bogus because Hollywood, society, West Virginia, and upstate Georgia are all very unimportant. My points have made absolutely no actual connection whatsoever, the fluency is void...in simple Englais, I have done my job...and those who think WAY too much who may be asking, "Um, Fag? If sex is so irrelevant, why did you waste your time writing a column about it?" Figure it out, after you have a hot sexual interlude...