Welcome to a “Current Affair” [and it is PERFECTLY acceptable that I name it such, because the ‘a’ is neither capitalized nor within the quotes, therefore I am not ripping off the name of a certain newsmagazine]. In this segment, there will be contrived discussion concerning affairs that are current. Let’s cut the crap and get started.
President Cheney decided earlier in the year that he is not seeking the Vice-Presidency in 2008, alleviating fears in the GOP camp that the voting public would be subject to the campaign slogan of “I am my boss’ daughter.” An interested interviewer caught up with the President in an undisclosed location:
Fag: What prompted this decision to decline office in 2008?
President Cheney: Motherfucka please! My daughter’s still pissed that I support the Vice-President’s anti-gay agenda. My wife hasn’t seen me since 2001. I just really need some time to drink, smoke, gamble, and fuck, all of which are illegal in my administration.
Fag: If you were to have a successful campaign run for the Vice-Presidency, what would you implement during your term?
Cheney: In order to keep support for the current Vice-President’s tension in Iraq at its all time high, [as you know, we are not allowed to call it a war because the war was rendered finished 2 years ago], I would order a halt on all air usage so that it may all be confined to Iraq. This move would be necessary to ensure democracy in the war torn nation. I would predict that the world’s breathable air quantity would be diminished by 2012, just in time for a second term. Our administration would warn the voting public in plenty of advance so they may move to another planet with ample air.
Fag: Would you continue the “Homos Left Behind” act put into effect by Vice-President Bush?
Cheney: I have a bill with strong support floating in Congress that would allow me to enact this on whichever planet our current residents move to. I have a good feeling about this one, it should go over better than our response to Terri Schiavo.
Fag: Do you have any messages for your critics?
Cheney: What are you talking about? I have no critics – our administration is a scandal-less, well–oiled machine. There are no critics, and if there are, I will drop ‘em like it’s hot.
Fag: What are your plans to cut back on the federal budget deficit?
Cheney: You are delusional – there are no budget issues whatsoever. But IF there were, I would have no alternative than to raise the air taxes. On top of that, I have another bill with strong support in Congress that taxes gays. Allegedly, gays have over 3 billion dollars in spending power annually. It’s time they give to their nation after all we’ve done to protect them.
Fag: Thank you for your time, Mr. President. I wish you much success in getting the word “Cheney” in the dictionary so it will stop appearing as an error on spell check.
Cheney: I’ve already told the nation to vote for the new word’s inception, so it will be an easy pass.
After the break, we will explore the multifold explosion of ex-actress Kirstie Alley. She’s back and bigger than ever, enough said.
[Commercials supporting the air bill, teenage sex, and underage drug dealing]
We’re back, and according to the ratings, we are one step above the Discovery Channel’s documentary on ants with cirrhosis.
If you’ve been keeping up with celebrity news, you likely know that Kirstie Alley has been making headlines in a way that is a negative slap in the face to thin-stream media.
We had the occasion to catch up with the star of such critically acclaimed things as Fat Actress and the Jenny Craig commercials in between her meal breaks, and trust me, that’s not a large time window:
Fag: How did the idea of your own TV show come to surface?
Kirstie Alley: In an era of reality-TV duds, I decided to introduce Milk-Duds to the mix. Of course, no real TV show or movie will hire me, so I had to head to a network that would accept my sob story of an actress gone to blubber. Showtime will play just about any ol’ shit, so they bit without hesitation.
Fag: Tell us, what is your show trying to say?
KA: The premise, in a nutshell, is that I used to be someone, now I’m a heffer, and I’m trying to get back in the public eye. Kind of like Anna Nicole Smith without the Trimspa [*coughsurgerycough*]. It’s a very important socio-comical critique on how the fats are treated in this day and age. I need to show the nation and the world that fat is evil and can be overcome. I gained 200 pounds for the role.
Fag: So, you became a moo-moo cow to…play yourself?
KA: Unbelievable, isn’t it? Renee [Zellweger] gained about 453 pounds to play Bridget Jones, that was the inspiration for me to wake my ass up. Only I don’t play an underpriced hooker, I play an underrated actress.
Fag: If Jenny Craig works for you, what will happen to Fat Actress?
KA: Simple, I’ll just call it Actress. I have to go now, my mid-after-morning snack calls, and it’s “diet cake.” Peace and big ups to the fats.
Fag: I won’t even ask for a piece. See you on the tube.
Since that took a mere moment, we can go immediately into the next vignette. Celebrity gossip hounds are reeling over the sudden decision by Jennifer Aniston to divorce Brad Pitt. As if no one has seen this coming for the last six months, mouths are agape and a nation is divided over this
Fag: How does it feel to be replaced by Angelina Jolie?
Jennifer Aniston: Who the EFF is she? She was not on Friends, she is nobody. Besides, I initiated the divorce, being replaced by that air-tittied ho is purely circumstantial.
Fag: After five years, an almost-record among
JA: He’s gay. GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY!!!!!! How else does one explain his fascination with [Angelina’s] big breastststs? I’m sure you’re familiar with that maxim.
Fag: Indeed I am. What took you so long to figure out that his sexual preference was incorrect?
JA: I started questioning after he didn’t give me kids after 5 years. Then I watched Fight Club, which may as well have been called Gay Club, it was so homoerotic. It all came together after that.
Fag: Why didn’t you try to work it out?
JA: Because I cannot be married to a gay. Do you know what that’s like?
Fag: Ugh, all that Britney Spears and constant trips to the salon, it takes its toll.
What are your plans during and after the divorce?
JA: I just finished shooting a film called The Breakup. This happened before the divorce announcement obviously, but I am going to claim the film is autobiographical so I might finally be taken as a serious actress. Once that falls into place, I’ll be
Fag: Hope that provides seconds of endless entertainment. I say we put an end to this because those cirrhosis-having ants are crawling on me in the ratings, thanks so much.
JA: Please, those ants have your number. Well, until my next divorce, take care and nice talking to you.
Fag: The pleasure is all yours.
And now, the public weighs in on the issues that matter:
Hooker: I’m gonna bring her ass here to Hunts Point, THEN she’ll realize that you ARE glitterati if you can last five years.
Bum: Yo I just watchded all that news and shit, and I want to let her know I am still single and waiting for her to call.
Angelina Jolie: Yes, Brad is gay, poor girl. [Aside: BRAD GET OUT FROM UNDER THAT DESK!!!!!!!]
President Cheney: Tell that ho-bag that I am going to make
David Schwimmer: Rachel should have just stayed with me, this should not have happened.
We’ll close after these breaks.
[Commercials touting the WMD farce, Kirstie Alley plugs jennycraigslist.com, the pope’s plans to pen a book after his death in languages that do not exist yet]
In tonight’s “Current Affair,” you’ve seen our President, our fattest resident, and our most famous recent divorcee. To ensure we keep with the most updated stories for the next episode, we have no idea what we’re covering yet. Stay tuned, we guarantee you will be bored shitless…
[Cheesy newsmagazine music with fade out]
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