A war within

Pandemonium has erupted on street corners everywhere. In the post-tax-return-post-office-rush, various elements of the populace are flooding discount stores the nation over for the hot item of the season.

“I cannot understand how these places of business are not prepared for this charge,” says marketing analyst Bunny Hunt. “Unlike the Christmas shopping season, where trends vary from year to year, the article of choice for this shopping brigade never changes.”

“I don’t know what I’m going to do for my babies. We look forward to this special dinner every year. WHY must Valu-Ark be vacant of Cadbury Easter Eggs?!?!?!” muses a hefty mother of seven, who would only give her name as Shawna.

Incidents of manipulation, violence, and heinousness have transpired across the nation. Here’s a chocolaty taste of what’s been going on:

The Bronx – Parents across the densely populated borough arrived early at supermarkets and discounters heavily armed with pipes and coupons, ready to use either in a threatening manner in a flash. We caught up with one babydaddy who was found hiding hollow chocolate rabbits behind stacks of ramen noodles. “Yo, I ain’t got my food stamps yet. But when they arrive in the mail today, I know exactly where to find m’shit.”

Beverly Hills – “Here, the scene is a little different,” chants fitness maniac Charlene Stretch. “Godiva is still heaped with candy from floor to ceiling. I mean, let’s face it, my four-year-old daughter would have to spend five weeks on the treadmill just to cancel out the effects of these delicacies. And I cannot find a facial scrub effective enough to wipe away these dark, oily stains.”

Compton – Eight innocent shoppers carrying nothing more than their local mart’s circular were victims of a vicious drive-by, led by an Easter fundamentalist. “We clearly cannot tolerate this ignorance. These simple buying tasks should have been completed long ago. Also, it’s not hard to use leftovers from Valentine’s Day to provide for those you love. They had to be eliminated, there was no other choice.”

Wall Street has been reaping in the benefits this month, with sugar highs in this rabbit market. “The bear and the bull are at bay. There’s a different character in town, and I’m rich,” said expert investor Jimmy Bond. “After this, I will be back on welfare until the next commercial holiday, but when it comes around, I know where I’m placing my chips.”

As we embark on another episode of empty churches and brimming, low-fashion wicker baskets, remember this: the candy is always cheaper the day after.