With the presidency on the line in November, voters and leaders alike are deliberating their stances on major issues such as gay marriage, war on terrorism, the Iraqi prisoner scandal, and rising gas prices. What Washington is NOT telling us, however, is that there are plans to rearrange the election process. One high ranking Republican insider was quoted as saying, “We simply cannot utilize the traditional election regimen as we know it today and have known it for centuries. If we do, there’s no chance in hell Bush can win re-election.” With that, the White House is intricately devising a scheme in which there is an equal chance for both candidates to win office.
Republicans have tapped into Jessica Simpson to be the celebrity chair for “Operation Election,” a panel sponsored by MTV and created to ensure the fairness of the great political contest. “We thought Ms. Simpson was the obvious choice. She epitomizes morality by waiting until marriage. This is what America is all about – waiting until marriage. All this talk of Iraq, the Church, is all a load of bunk,” said one congressional janitor who was elected to the commission.
We caught up to Jessica Simpson at a store of questionable intent, where she was having a boob mold done to create a candy dish. “I am honored to be assisting my nation by being part of this diverse group,” her first cue card said. “The pitch is perfect. First, I scream to America, ‘I’m the Baby Jessica who fell in the well.’ That catches the public eye. Then, I try to find [husband] Nick [Lachey] so we can make a baby by November. This baby will be placed in wells nationwide to continue my legacy. But, this baby will serve a major purpose by counting the coins tossed in by voters. Oops, did I leak the secret change to the voting plan?” Plainly, Ms. Simpson was exhausted of trying to read, so we dared to ask her to think on her own.
The most evident query was how she planned on giving birth by November. “That’s a no-brainer. There are actually two ways to do this. First, there’s the Jesus way, and all that requires is a simple look at the calendar. On December 8th is the Immaculate Conception, so that’s the day Jesus was conceived. December 25th is Christmas, when He was born. Obviously, that’s a digestive period of 22 days. If I start now, I can have four kids by November. The other option is just to will myself to give birth on Labor Day, when everybody else goes into labor.”
When Democrats caught wind of this information, there was fury and head scratching all over the place. “I cannot believe this. Jessica Simpson? In the well? We all know that was Jessica Hahn,” was one of the numerous comments flying across Pennsylvania Avenue. Another observation was caught by many an ear, “I cannot believe this. Jessica Simpson? In the well? We all know that was Jessica Rabbitt.”
An almost intellectual opinion graced the streets, “If we allow this travesty of democracy, the consequences can be catastrophic. But, at least tallying tossed coins will take less time than the Florida recount, so I guess it’s not that bad.”
In New York City, concern was growing at an extremely fast pace. One New Yorker told us, “We don’t have wells, how are we supposed to vote? And what happens to the millions of people who registered on mtv.com? Are they now given clearance to throw a coin into a dark abyss? Thanks MTV for ruining EVERYTHING!” Another native New Yorker weighed in as well, “These commissions, television networks, and celebrities are clearly missing the point. Why is nobody making mention of the ridiculous price of sand? By July, the peak sand season, vendors will be charging upwards of $3 per pound. Is anyone paying attention to the real issues here? I don’t care if I have to go upstate to toss my coin, but I will go, and I will toss it, provided I can afford the sand I need to get there.”
Nothing ignites the passion of the presidential election like topics that matter. In the next few months, America will be given very much to think about. Will Baby Jessica II’s be gracing wells across the land? How heavy will the coins be? Will the price of sand rise commensurate with the price of gas? And ultimately, who will win office? All this and more will be answered in November as MTV’s “Choose and Lose No Matter What” campaign draws to its close.
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