What are YOU doing tonight?

In the minds of most moping mammals mingles the imperative interrogative discharge, “What am I going to do tonight?” The responses one can come up with are far reaching, diverse, and sometimes scandalous. Similarly, the self-imposed reply could be a hair twirl and a facial distortion seen only at funerals. We at the Mailbox understand and embrace all kinds of individual thinking, and this is why we will do the thinking for you. Here’s a list of what we’re doing tonight:

Identity Theft

Normally, this illegal activity can land one behind bars for an extensive period of time, a brand on the ass of eternal shame that cannot be removed with laser surgery. However, with a great amount of profitability to be realized, just turn the ass-branding into a cool tattoo.

Rummaging for information is the easiest part. Simply trek to the Upper East Side of Manhattan where there are a lot of rich and famous people. Obtain secret documents from the trash or dumpster, but make sure you dress reputably so you’re not mistaken for a scoundrel. City law dictates that it is acceptable to search through trash without being laughed at or arrested provided you accessorize. Once the documents containing highly personal information are in your possession, call and apply for a credit card in their name with a very high limit, and make sure to use their address. Seven to ten business days later, be at the address in question and jump the mailman repeatedly until the anticipated card is in your hands. This way, your address is not involved in the investigation that will invariably follow within days. However, since you have some time, why not enjoy it? Disguise yourself as the person you “are,” and strut a la Sheena Easton down 5^th Avenue to such hot spots as Bulgari and Cartier. Spend extravagantly and have a blast, but be prepared for a declination in approval eventually. Should that happen in a high scale store, be prepared to act famous, using the cliché retort, “BUT DON’T YOU KNOW WHO I AM?!?!?!?!?!?!” That should land you the items with an apology from store management, but that should also be your final purchase until you can land yourself another set of highly sensitive tidbits on someone else and another clever disguise. Once the process is repeated successfully, use the credit card to book a short but expensive trip, so you’re not in the same locale twice. If you overspend, simply call the credit card company for an emergency increase, screaming the following: “WE’RE IN A HURRICANE AND WE’RE GONNA DIE AND I NEED TO GET HOME!!!!!!!!!” Since you’re [not really] going to die anyhow, the extra money is easily nabbed, another successful outcome. At this point, we would recommend you curtail your lavish ways and go back to work and keep any purchased items as mementos of your prowess.

Create a language

New and exciting words are being introduced to the English language with each current release of the dictionary. Society is clearly going to hell when a phrase such as “bling-bling” is considered actual vocabulary in a reputable publication. This more legal means of entertainment will bowl audiences over worldwide, from a wine and cheese soirée to a group of derelicts playing Ghettopoly. The yet unnamed tongue consists of palindromes [a word spelled the same backwards and forwards, i.e. mom, dad, racecar, such and such (Editor’s Note: “such and such,” is not a palindrome, it is an expression merely placed in the example to denote continuity)] based on already existing words in the English language. The following are some examples:

Blunderednulb [blUNder-nulb, the second “d” is silent] – The act of fucking up someone’s name

Bossob [BOSS-ahb] – Your pissy moany supervisor [think Office Space]

Boozezoob [boo-ZOOb] – A fake breast filled with alcohol

Catac [ca-TACK] – A blind feline

Catacatac [ca-TACK-a-tack] – An attack by a blind feline

Decadedaced [DE-ca-DAY-sd] – Things that were cool ten years ago that are now passé i.e. “Omigawd, Cece Peniston is so decacedaced.”

Drugurd [drUG-ird] – a drug user; one who uses properly, NOT abuses

Firederif [FI-er-der-iff] – To lose one’s job via idiocy

Fizzyzzif [fizz-IZZ-iff] – A VERY caustic substance

Manam [MAHN-am] – A gender without preference

Moneyenom [MUH-knee-nahm] – The phenomenon of making a decent paycheck

Realaer [reel-AIR] The combination of real time and real air, such as when Michael Jordan used to be good at basketball

Songnos [SAHN-yos] People who lip-sync to entertain i.e Milli Vanilli, drag queens, Britney Spears

Make an emo band

Bands like Jimmy Eat World, Joan of Arc, and Compound Red make music that reveals the more troubled side of life via a means less chaotic yet more mellow and emotional [hence “emo,” brilliant, isn’t it?] than the hardcore of the early 80’s. The origin is the mid 80’s, if I recall correctly, which I likely do not, as a vulnerable antidote to the crazed mosh pit scenes of NYC’s East Village and DC. However, recently, “emo” is becoming more trendy and being viewed as less wimpy, however whiny it really is. Coming up with a name is rather simple – just take a few words that have absolutely no continuity, lump them together, and you have your band moniker i.e. Fan Alarm. Ok, so Fan Alarm wants to come up with a hit single, and that too is simple, provided there are the elements of sentiment and sensation i.e. “My life resembles a sausage link/I need my heart to make me think/His little dick so rinky-dink/His nether-regions might as well be pink.” Make sure the delivery is all but sobbed into the microphone to give it essence.

Another possibility for a word combination [band name] that contains zero sensibility is Poster Laundry. Using the above formulae, yet another smash song can be created, perhaps using passionate lyrics as “Someone please come show me the way/I’m through with being a useless lay/Day by day by day by day/Such is the life in the world of gay.” We could go on and on, but frankly, you don’t want to.

Solving world issues

Most normal people have great aspirations in life. In this case, I too am normal and going to save the planet from issues of obesity. As Americans, we tend to idolize such cultural icons as pie-eating and hot-dog-eating contests, and Roseanne Barr. As idiots, some mock those behaviors, hoping for a fast ride to glamour and fortune. All this really induces is an unhealthy mode of living. One great way to continue to lionize the thrill of competition in a healthier format is to host a sautéed spinach eating contest. The vitaminimal benefits are quite apparent, and it is a lot less awkward than sticking your face in a vat full of broccoli. Clearly in this case, everyone is a winner – crowds of lifeless drones will still cheer, and the participants will live to see more eating contests than Madame Chaing Kai Shek.

Protecting the environment is another hot-button issue. Many humans enjoy the aesthetics of a serene forest, a wheat field, or 7^th Avenue South on a Saturday night. But what happens when these aesthetics are compromised? Groups of Earth-lovers cry and moan whilst not accomplishing squat. The first and foremost place that needs to be taken care of is the golf course. These champions of the greens and back-nines are ruining turf nationwide. Of course, no attention gets paid to the environmental implications because we are too busy following who gets to wear that dreadful green coat next year. Nonetheless, putters are ripping grass from their very roots, leaving holes for ground crews to languish over. Granted, the earth is restored until the next yawn of a golf tournament, but it is a vicious cycle that will eventually deplete the earth of natural resources, much like what happens to Joan Rivers every times she gets a new facelift. Actually, by doing away with golf altogether, we rid the threat of dying grass [that cannot even defend itself and has no voting power in the matter], and the crews can find impressive jobs as custodial artists.

The above has presented endless possibilities should you ever be stuck in a quandary concerning plan-making. So which will you choose? Likely, drinking……but even so, you can make a difference, and as always, KEEP ON TRUCKIN!!!!!!