With the XXXMAS season upon us, the ants and I decided to open up the Mailbox to some XXXMAS wish lists, and even better, how we plan on honouring those wishes. We received absolutely no letters, but if we did, this is what would go down...
Dear Fag: Your columns are so crappy yet I read them every week. I surely love reading about your useless takes on equally useless topics. It's clearly your fault my mind has turned to shit in the past months. So what you can do to make up for that is send me an X-Box, 3 games, 2 controllers, and a pair of Timberlands.
From - Billy.
Dear Billy: You are such a little fuck. Do your parents realize that you are reading this cantankerous filth and reducing your IQ to that of a daffodil encrusted sea salmon? You are getting nothing from me. In fact, I am sending your letter directly to CHUM and you will be dealt with accordingly.
Dear Fag: I just love
Thanks - Becky.
Dear Becky: You're a crazy bitch. Definitely consider your wish granted. However, if you wish to enjoy the breezes with your Smarties, you'll need a fan, and the Mailbox budget cannot counter for that. And do me a favour please? If Billy lives anywhere near you, do NOT share your gift with him. Trust me, I know of what I speak.
Dear Fag: I don't want a material gift. I would like your gift of writing. You are clearly the most awesome writer I've ever come across and would be honoured to follow in your footsteps. However, I don't wanna be a fag. Is there any way I can write like you without being a fag?
Let me know - Jimbo.
Dear Jimbo: I was almost going to grant your wish until you majorly fucked up. I enjoyed your compliment, and I didn't even mind you not wanting to be a fag. But JIMBO?!?!?!?!!? What the hell is that about?!?!?! You sound like you work with a lot of trees, spending countless hours pondering the concepts of Druidity, and wondering if tonguing a large Redwood would be painful. Well take out your saw and your pickaxe, because the only thing you're getting from me is a one way trip to the
Dear Fag: My holiday would really be complete if I could get a digital camera. My parents are going away and I would love to have an underage drinking and sex party. There will also be illegal drugs present and each patron gets unlimited access to internet porn. I need to document the results for a school project.
Hope to hear from you - Sally.
Dear Sally: You are a wonderful young woman. You embrace all the ideals that I encourage in society: Booze, fornication in electronic and physical formats, and mind altering substances. You will get a top of the line digicam of your choice. However, you are obligated to send me pix of this party. I would just like to know what school you attend. Invariably your teachers and administration engage in active and well-known webs of deceit, and they are hoping that you will become a hooker, much like I do. I wish you well in your endeavours. You already get an A+ from me!
Have a Happy Holiday kiddies, and just remember, when you wish upon a Mailbox, you'll wish you hadn't.
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