With the Halloween season upon us [yes I know it is next week, however next week's column is going to be....um...VERY...special....], I would like to suggest some irrelevant, spooky DO'S and DONT'S.
Costume Ideas
DON'T be NYPD or NYFD. They are WAY too worthy of our respect to have fools trying to imitate them. Unless you're planning to carry away pieces of large buildings as part of your costume, flattery is not all too sincere this time around.
DON'T be Elvira. Yes, I understand she is a time-honoured classic; however, these days even SHE is having a hard time being her as she is old as hell and
DO be a New York Yankee. They have just won their 38th Pennant and are going for their 27th World Series. Besides, some of them are REALLY hot....hell, even I may consider dressing up in uniform :)
DO be an Arizona Diamondback, BUT only under mockery conditions. Make sure you have more facial hair than Osama bin Laden if you plan on being Randy "Stroking My" Johnson. Also, you will need to gain at least fifty pounds and lose a few teeth. This will be especially popular in upstate NY.
Who to Trick or Treat With
ALWAYS Trick or Treat with a Monkey. They are smarter than most humans, and their cuteness will invariable lead to a large, candyrific booty. SCORE!!! SCORE!!! SCORE!!!
NEVER Trick or Treat with yo mama! She always has a plan to steal at least half of your candy, and after working the streets for hours without end, this is something you DON'T want happening.
ALWAYS Trick or Treat with nana. Most likely she cannot eat candy, so you're safe there. Cute old ladies are rather convincing as a costume as well, so no work even needs to be done. BUT she must be cool as shit and realize that if you ARE dressed as a hooker, there is a good reason for it.
Where to Go
The NYC Halloween parade is always a good idea, especially since I've never been there. I've been talking shit about going for years, it's a great event for NYC, and it's an even better way to get back to life in
DON'T go to work. I know I have to, but from past experience, I can tell you there will be nothing but older people damning those kids who dress so hauntingly suggestive and other equally old people trying to get out their tablecloths to pass them off as a costume. Not that Stevie Nicks is a bad costume idea either....
DON'T think that just because Halloween is on a Wednesday that all is lost. There is plenty going on that weekend as well - do the damn research!
I know this is not up to my usual funny standard - I am not even going to post an announcement that this is written this week....but TRUST ME when I tell you, I am saving the best for next week....
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